the blog post my mom told me to write

So my mom calls me last night super excited.  Like, SO excited.  And I'm all, "what's up?"  And she's like, "OK don't get mad." 

Which is always a great way to start talking to me because of course I start getting defensive even before I know what she's going to say.

So I'm like, "OK, i wont, what's up?"

And she's all, "remember you want to be a famous blogger?  well, I have the perfect idea for you.  Why don't you go on this diet I'm reading about in "Body and Soul" and blog about that, and people will read it and you'll give them ideas and inspire them to get on the diet.  People always want to read about other people dieting." 

And I'm like, "Mom.  Why the hell would I ever want to do something as embarrassing as that?" 

And she's like, "RANNA!  It's such a great idea!  You'll be so famous." 

And I'm all, "No way, bye."  I pulled an abrupt, "say goodbye really quickly and hang up before the other person has a chance to say anything" :) 

But then last night when she got home, we decided, just for kicks (after I yelled at her about not wanting to write that sort of blog) that we would do this detox thing she read about in the magazine.  and I thought, "OK what the hell, I guess I'll write about it."  Just this part though.  NOTHING MORE, MOTHER.  

We're not doing one of those intense, "all liquid" sort of detox's.  This one is easier, something that we can ACTUALLY do without messing up and eating solids and then feeling guilty about eating the solid and then deciding, "I messed up today, soooo I'll just eat this and this and this and this, and start again tomorrow."  

Actually, I was pretty cynical about the guidelines for the detox, because 1. first my mom told me that it was an all juice diet with the exception of lunch, but then she told me i could have oatmeal and coffee in the morning 2. my mom has the tendency to mold things in ways that are suitable for her (ie coffee and oatmeal for breakfast).

Lo and behold, once I checked the detox myself, I found that it WAS an all juice diet with the exception of lunch being solids, but in the morning, coffee and oatmeal were not on the menu, but things like, "fennel and apple juice." Blech.  I'm not drinking fennel and apple juice, when I can just as easily make a nice cup of coffee.  Yeah, I straight up told my mom I was never going to give coffee up for anything.  I mean, how can I?  I need coffee in the morning.  I can't do anything without it.  You can't talk to me if I haven't had a coffee; I need it to sustain a level of sanity.  

For the most part though, we were doing it the right way.

So after a breakfast of some sort of juice...honestly, they had a bunch of different options, ranging from fresh apple juice, to beet and carrot juice...but then for lunch, a lean cut of meat with salad and veggies, and then for dinner, some sort of soup.  So tonight my mom made this really bi-mazeh vegetable soup that really needed lemon juice, only we didn't have lemon juice at home, so she tried to make up for it by putting a crapload of tabasco sauce and salt...but it was pretty...not good.  I filled up on edemame..which may not have been part of the detox, but it's healthy!  

But the most important part is to drink a lot of water, which, I already do because I have an insatiable thirst.  Also cups and cups of green tea.  

Oh, funny story about cups and glasses.

One time, we went skiing with our dad, and we stayed at this little bed and breakfast near the ski resort where all the guests ate breakfast together.  So there we were, eating breakfast, and the owner came around and offered everyone coffee.  And there was this young guy staying there with his girlfriend, sort of the ski bum type, and after the owner had served the coffee, this guy was like, "I'll have a glass."  And the owner sort of looked at him with a confused look and was like, "A glass of what?"  and the guy was like, "A glass of coffee."

And I just wanted to yell out, "A GLASS?  A GLASS OF COFFEE?  Who has a glass of coffee?  Clearly its a cup.  Or a mug.  But a glass?  Really?"  A glass of orange juice.  But a cup of coffee.  

So where was I?  Oh yeah, green tea.  Green tea, water, juice, lean meats, salad, veggies, soups.  It's easy enough.  This lasts for three days, and then...we'll my mom hasn't gotten that far.  We'll figure out what the next step is once she thinks about what sort of diet she's willing to go on :) 

I wish I had a glass of ginseng coffee right here, right now.   Also, can someone tell me why Nescafe only sells ginseng coffee in Italy?  

Kthanksbye.