I've been wanting to write, I really have, I promise. I get on the computer and try to come up with something to say and my mind is a blank. Which is ironic because pretty much the other 23 hours 55 minutes that I don't try to write, my mind is going a mile a minute.
It doesn't stop. It just goes on and on and on like the energizer bunny, until I literally beg myself to stop thinking just for a second. Just for a millisecond I wish all of the internal noise would just shut off so that I would be able to sleep the night through without waking up in panic.
Why do I do this to myself is the real question? Why do I freak myself out and make myself sick. I've become the most anxious and neurotic person in the span of a year. I remember when I started college, I was proud that I could remain carefree and relaxed despite the situation. Nothing was a big deal. Happy go lucky. Now, everything is a big deal. The more I try to run from everything and push things away the more I get stuck underneath it. And I've been pushed deeper and deeper down down down down down. I'm becoming fossilized.
Quite literally the only time that I was able to stop thinking for a little while was the other day when I detangled rolls of yarn all morning and afternoon. I just sat there, detangling yarn and rerolling them into balls. And when I was finished, I was sad that there wasn't more. So that I could focus on detangling yarn instead of untangling my life.
I want to be able to sleep until noon and wake up feeling refreshed and rejuvenated, without having woken up 8 million trillion times during the night thinking thinking thinking. ALWAYS thinking. Nonstop.
I wish I could be that carefree person once again.
I wish my face would stop breaking out.
I wish I could look people in the eyes when they talk to me and ask how I'm doing.
I wish that I didn't wish these things and instead I wished for more important things that actually helped other people instead of myself.
Then again, I wish so many things. In fact, I would basically be like Jafar from Aladdin and make the genie just grant a million wishes for me instead of just having three. Then again, did Jafar have unlimited wishes? I don't remember. In any case.
In any case, that's why I haven't written. If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all. I'm just negative nancy. A debbie downer. moaning myrtle.
I am moaning myrtle.
