my sister and i had an act that couldn't flop

Darzemn

Uhh, did you know it's "darzemn," and not "darzem?" 

My entire life has just been a lie.  

coffee coffee coffee

Writing papers and studying for exams is quite the humbling experience.  It really requires me to accept how LITTLE I actually understand.  So...  that's always good....  you know, makes me feel better about myself, for sure.  Fo sho.

The problem with sitting at Starbucks on campus is that it's so far away from everything else.  OK, so not far away, per se, but far enough, that when I get hungry, I can't just leave my stuff here and go get food.  I actually have to pack everything up, and risk not finding a seat when I get back.  So I'll just suffer through my hunger, I guess.

No one really studies at Mason until a week prior to finals week.  All of a sudden, the campus is packed with people sitting over their books.  But even then, I don't think people are actually studying because they're always surrounded by a lot of people, laughing, talking, eating.
So for instance, there's this girl, who has been sitting next to me at Starbucks since like noon, and she's had this blank Microsoft Word document open since then.  Only, I don't think she's actually written anything.  She's had five different male visitors, she's spilled her heart out about why "so and so" really hurt her feelings.  She's done the whole Gmail-Facebook-Hotmail-Itunes dance multiple times (and I admit, today I have been victim to this dance, as well).  Darzem, every 30 minutes, she puts on her coat, gloves and hat, walks outside, smokes a cigarette, and talks to people.  Each time she sits down, she gives me a little smile, as though apologizing for her lack of work accomplished today.  Baba, be man che.  I don't care.  I've been listening to her talk all day and now I'm writing a blog.  I'm not much better.

Whatever, I finished (another) paper and a take home exam today.  So I still feel accomplished.  Thats not to say I don't have more work to get done.  I'll be working all weekend.  Until next thursday, I will be a slave to the education system.  And then I'll be free.  At least for a month.  Then it's back to Mason, back to slacking off until the first week of May.

Oh life.

i will triumph

one week.  one week.  one week.  one week.  one week.  one week.

This One Is Mine

Someone put
You on a slave block
And the unreal bought
You.

Now I keep coming to your owner
Saying,

"This one is mine."

You often hear us talking
And this can make your heart leap
With excitement.

Don't worry,
I will not let sadness
Possess you.

I will gladly borrow all the gold
I need

To get you
Back.

No L.

I had Salma change my Facebook password this morning because I have two papers to write for tomorrow and IT.  IS.  AMAZING.  I mean, its 3 o'clock and I already wrote one paper, and I only have to make some closing remarks for the second one.  It's awesome.  I'm going to be sans Facebook until school is finished on December 17th, and I'm sure without it, I'll get so much more work finished.

Watch me nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

I mean, ok, granted, I downed two HUGE mugs of coffee earlier, but still!  This lack of distraction is really great.  Really really.

OH AND, I'm sitting in the room we never sit inside and today Monsieur put up the Christmas tree and I decorated it.  I ALWAYS decorate the Christmas tree.  It's my job in the fam.  I mean, I don't let the others touch the decorations, is what I mean.  Wanna see it?  Ok, I'll take a picture.

I have no hoseleh to try to block out the light.

question

• how do i put a video on my blog? 

ok so

At any given point how does anyone know what they really want to do?  We do what we do in the moment because usually there is something for us TO do.  But what happens when we reach the point where we have to decide what it is we want to do versus what it is we have to do?  Then the question arises of, what makes our hearts flutter more than anything in the world?  Stop thinking about what our parents think we should do, what will make us the most money, what will pave the future for us.  Instead, what makes us the happiest?  This is hard because we get confused.  Our entire lives we have been raised to believe that there is a proper way of doing things.  We go to school, we find jobs, we get married and have kids.  But what if we decide that that's not for us.  What if happiness doesn't lie inside that bubble?  What happens when you've spent the last four years of your life studying something, devoting yourself to it, only to realize that you hate it with every bone in your body and you don't have an ounce of energy to carry on pretending like you care?  What happens then?
Today my friend told me that when her parents and teachers asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up she always responded with, "artist."  Today, she still says artist.
I remember when people asked, my favorite planet was pluto.  My favorite food was ravioli from "La Baguette."  I remember I told people my mom taught Farsi (she didn't) and that my dad worked for my mom (he certainly didnt).  I remember my favorite books were "Hooper Humperdink," and "Berenstain Bears."  I remember loving to draw people.  I've wanted to be an artist for as long as I remember.  Artist transformed into doctor, into professor, into economist, into journalist, into photographer, into artist.  I've gone in a circle.  I'm back.
What do I want to do?  I want to be an artist.  I want to draw and paint and create and design and imagine and.  And that's what I want.
So at any given point, I might be doing something completely different, but I'm thinking about going into my room, taking out my pencil and paper and diving into that world.
I'm not conflicted about what I love.  I've just been scared about admitting it to other people.

nokhteh.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

poopoo daram

today ramin and i were walking around the JC not doing work..whaattt...and we started to speak french bc i need practice and ramin pretends to speak.  so we're talking talking talking, and all of a sudden, he's like, 

oh merde, je dois aller au toilette!   (ohh man, i have to go to the bathroom) 

and im like, ok vas-y  (ok, go)

and he's like blah blah blah (something i dont understand) blah blah blah, tu veux regarder?  (blah blah blah (something i dont understand) blah blah blah you want to watch?) 

and we were in the elevator and when he said that, he started to laugh so hard that he fell and I SWEAR i thought we were going to be stuck in the elevator bc the noise it made was not very friendly.  but he was laughing so hard, which made me laugh so hard, i mean, i was already laughing so hard, but i started to laugh harder.  

then the elevator doors opened and we're both dying of laughter, ramin is rolling on the ground, im sort of crying, and these two asians are like, "uhhhhh what's going on? 

so we walk out, and everyone is quiet and studying and ramin is like 

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA VAY  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AKH  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA VAY KHODA HAHAHAHAHAHA AKH DELAM" 

and tears are streaming down his face.  and im like, zahreh mar, you're laughing so loudly, but i cant say it because its really funny when ramin laughs and it makes me laugh.  so i just laugh. 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA 

so i still dont know if he meant to ask me to come watch him while he pooped, but im sort of hoping that he didnt mean it.  just cus, i mean, thats even weird for ramin standards, you know?  

come watch me poop?  really?  I think not.  

boning the duck

hello.  im home.  home sweet home.  only im sad.  sad sweet sad.  im sad to be back.  no.  wait, thats the wrong way to put it.  im not sad to be back, per se, im just sad that...that i cant magically mesh two worlds into one and make one world beautiful and perfect.
im so tired right now.  im lying in my comfortable bed under the covers and my eyes are closing, closing, closed.  sigh.
only i have a plan.  i have a definite plan.  this time its definite.  and im excited.  more on that later.

when you watch julie and julia doesnt it inspire you to make 500 recipes in 365 days?  i want to bone a duck too!

spanksgiving

So thanksgiving was fun.  Actually, it was the best.  Why?  Because, ladies and gentlemen, yesterday Thom and I made the most AMAZING Thanksgiving dinner of our lives.  Let me tell you--

We started off by thinking, OK, we'll make the dressings and buy a rotisserie chicken.  OK, no big deal.  Easy peasy.  We woke up early to go to an indoor market in Florence.  It was pretty cool, actually.  Produce, meat, fish, wine, cheese, the works.  But there were permanent stands, you know?  I'm pretty sure it's open every day (uhh, maybe?).  Ok, whatever, so irrelevant.  

So we went to the market where we found rotisserie chicken, buttttttttt they were tiny and we realized, hey, we're going to have a good number of guests coming over, we'd have to buy at least 7 chickens.  Then Thom was like, "why dont we just make a turkey?"  

Hmmmmmmmmmmm.  Intriguing idea, Thom.  A turkey.  I hear those are hard to make.  I hear it takes a while.  I hear Yasna's oven is not equipped to make a turkey. 

OK, lets do it.  

So...7 kilos* later, we're walking home with a turkey and bags of heavy groceries.  That was fun. 

Thom and I cooked from 1 pm until 9 pm when people started to show up.  Thom was the chef while I became his sous chef (is that what it is?  A sous chef?). 

We made a rosemary and garlic butter spread that we spread under the skin and on the turkey.  We stuffed it with this stuffing that STILL makes my mouth water--we used croutons cus we couldnt find the right bread for it, so croutons, celery, mushrooms, apples, onions, walnuts, chicken broth...am i missing anything?  I dont think so.

So turkey stuffed with stuffing.

garlic mashed potatoes.

macaroni and cheese (kraft--did i tell you i bought yasna about 20 boxes of mac and cheese before i came?) 

green beans 

corn and peas

carrots 

and for dessert... HEAVEN.  Thom made the best tiramisu I've ever had.  

MORDAM.  

A bunch of Yasna's friends came over and we had a giant feast.  I almost cried, actually, because you guys, this turkey.  THIS TURKEY.  I can't believe the first turkey we ever made turned out as amazing as it did.  i mean, it was PERFECT.  It was moist and OH, when Thom tried to carve the leg, the meat was so tender that the meat just came off the bone.  Yani, he pulled the bone out and it was just clean.  It was sooooooooo cool.   Sigh.  

We put so much time and love into the meal and it showed.  It showed because the food was amazing.  

AKH JOON.  I wish it was last night again.

Actually, yeah I really wish it was last night.  I really wish it was last week.  This week is going by wayyyy too fast.  I can't believe that I'm leaving on sunday.  I'm really dreading it.  I'm having a blast.  I love being here.  Sigh.  

Thom and Yasna are in the kitchen now cleaning and making dinner and I'm just filled with immense amounts of love.  I should go help them actually, but I mean, they seem to have it under control.  

See this is what I'm talking about.  This is EXACTLY what I'm talking about.  This sort of happiness.  This bliss.  I just keep sighing.  And smiling.  I keep walking down the street smiling.  Yasna keeps asking, "why are you smiling?" 

and I'm like, I dont know, I just think about being here and I smile.

And she laughs.

And I say, would you prefer I frowned?

And she says no.  

So I smile. 

:)  

bonna noted.

Ciao (did you know you can say ciao for hello AND goodbye?  I didn't.  It's like the French, "salut.")

So.  Ciao.

I am in Florence, Italy.  Known by Italians (and others) as FIRENZE.  Which reminds me of the name of the centaur in "Harry Potter."  I think Firenze was his name.  I think.  Wasn't it?  Everything reminds me of "Harry Potter."

Ok, so this is going to be a random conglomeration of things I've been thinking since my vacation began on thursday.

I guess I wasn't expecting it to hit me with such a blunt force that I was returning to Europe for the first time after having left in July.  I mean, I'm still a little unsure as to what I felt.  What was it?  I don't know.  But when my neighbor pointed down to the lights underneath and said, "look, its Paris," I was hit with the bittersweet mix of nostalgia, longing, sadness, and complete and utter happiness that I was coming back.  Even for such a short time.

I was talking to Thom later that night about being back in the United States, studying Economics, a comparison with my life in Paris, I told him that when people ask me WHY I want to go back to Paris, why I am giving up things I could do in the United States, etc, etc. I can't give them an answer they understand.

The reason is not as much a reason, as it is a sentiment.  It's like....hmm...it's like, for me, its a shame.  It's  a shame that I know that happiness like the kind I felt exists in the world, and yet, I cannot feel it where I am.  It all came rushing back to me and hit me WHAM in the chest, in the face, in the heart, in the head.

So anyways.....

I was sans luggage for my first two days here.  My plane was delayed in DC, so I arrived in Munchen an hour late and almost missed my flight to Florence.  Somewhere along the way my luggage went MIA, somewhere along the way my hopelessness turned to sadness (it's a song, get over it).

Soooo that was fun, having my plane clothes on me for the weekend.  Going out, meeting people, baggy jeans and dirty shirt in tow.

Whatever Ranna, get over it, stop being such a drama queen.  Okay Ranna.

What else?  I mean, we've walked around a little, but I knew from the start that I was coming to Florence mostly to visit Yasna and Thom and less to actually see the city (sorry parents).  So yeah.  Keif.  Keif.  Keif.  Keif.  Haaaaaaaaaaaaal.

I'm a little self conscious about what I'm writing now because Yasna keeps looking over to read what I wrote...ohhh there she goes, other side of the table.  We're supposed to be working.  I have a paper due tomorrow (just my luck, i know) and she has 10 sketches to do for her class.  But work shmork.  I can't concentrate on the political economy of healthcare when I'm here.  Are you keeeding?  No, I really should work.  SHOULD.

Why does Jay Z go by Hov?

Her friends are awesome by the way.  Like, for realllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll.  I'm really sort of obsessed with them already.  Really a fun crowd.  Anja'at?  Thats, "really?"  in Arabic.  Anja'at?  I say it a lot.

THAT and "Matrahek Baein."  that's "jaat khalli," or, "your place is empty."

Why am I in Florence learning how to say things in Arabic?  Um....not my fault.  Yasna khanoom has lived in Italy since October and yesterday we went to this cafe, and I was waiting for her to be like (excuse the spelling, I'm going by phonetics, oniontown, uniontown style (shout out to my main supporter!  Woo Woo Sima Lotfi!!)...)

"Escuzi, due cappoccino per favore.."

Only she was like, "Hi.  Two cappoccinos please."

And just now I was like, "hey yasna how do you say please in Italian?"

And she was like, "Umm.."

and then Parynaz told me.

Go Yasna!

Ok, I really have to start working now because it's almost 8 o'clock and I got nothing.  I mean, I have SOMETHING, but not enough.

I'll continue blogging this week if and when cool things happen.  Oh, on Thursday I'm making thanksgiving dinner for everyone.  I'm excited.

et voila

im going to be famous

Today in my Law and Economics class instead of taking notes I took out my sketchpad and started to just doodle just to pass the time.  When the teacher called for a break I closed my pad and started to get up when the girl sitting behind me was like,
"Excuse me, can I take a picture of what you were sketching?"
And I sort of looked at her for a second and just handed her my sketchpad without really thinking.
And ghashang she took out her iPhone and took a picture, said, "This is so cool" and handed back my pad.
"Thanks."
"Of course."

It was such a short interaction but...but it was the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.

recently uploaded pictures

highlights from my weekend

1. Walking down Broadway with 7 1/2 iroonis in tow (the half is for anthony, cus i mean, he's mainly iranian), talking nonsense, laughing, asking fereshteh to diagnose my perpetual thirst when all of a sudden my eyes graze over to a dark skinned man standing in the middle of the sidewalk, several bags at his feet.
Without thinking, I abruptly turn around to face Rosa, leaving Fereshteh confused as she talks about her plans in New York.
"Rosa, thats ARASH!"  I say, pointing at the man.
"Uhh are you sure?  Is that Arash?" Rosa starts to point at him too
"Yeah thats Arash..."
"OMG Are you ARASH???!"  Rosa runs up to him.

he looks sort of taken aback and he nods...

"Arash?  As in boro boro delam digeh toro nemikhad ARASH?"
he nods again

at this point we're all around him..Salma's asking him if he knows yasna...Rosa asks him if he can sing for us...Rosa asks me how to say something in Swedish...I shrug as tears are running down my face from laughing so hard.
THIS IS SO RANDOM.
rosa asks to take a picture with him and we all surround him.  this is so random.  i cant even believe this is happening.
"Thanks Arash.."  "Bye Arash.."
Arash says something about Rebecca and Rosa yells, "BACHEHAH SABKONIN...if we wait a little Rebecca will come out!!"

who the hell is rebecca??  then all of a sudden, this brunette long haired beauty walks out of Hollister (looking very confused, i might add).  Rosa walks up to her, says, 'hi rebecca, Im rosa"
we all crowd around for another picture.

oh...fyi...i think rebecca's the one who sings temptation with him...i think...

then we all walk away.  let me reiterate....SO RANDOM.

2. Rosa and I stop to look at a jewelry stand.  The guy starts to tell us everything is handmade.
Rosa: Oh that's a hebrew symbol.
Vendor: Its a Kabbalah symbol.
Rosa: Oh, yeah, where are you from?
Vendor: Isreal
Pauuuseeeee
Ranna: Shalom
The vendor looks at me for about 4 seconds, frowns, and looks back down.
Rosa thanks the man and walks away, covering her face with her scarf.
Ranna: ROSA, sabkon!
Rosa dies of laughter on the street and we stop pedestrian traffic.

3.  We're driving away from the group to go to this random party with my dad and his israeli friend, Dror.  Everything is khart o khar...everyones talking...rosa is laughing..all of a sudden, we're about to drive away...and the last thing i hear before salma rolls up the window.
Ali: Shaaloooooommmmmmmmmm

HAHAHAHAHAHA I DIED.

boooo

MY CLAVIER (keyboard) is broken yet again.  My [ button gets stuck so all of a sudden, I'm typing and it goes: [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[
and it just doesn't stop.

SOOO it's preventing me from doing anything bc my screen just goes crazy all the time.  So my beloved laptop is upstairs all alone on my desk, waiting to be fixed. Don't know when, though.  Until then I can't upload any of my pictures.  Which stinks because I had a photoshoot with Mani the other day at mason that I cant wait to put up :)

Love, Ranna

Similak

green monster

if there is one emotion i could just throw out the door it would be jealousy.  i think its the worst.  i think its worse than any deep dark feeling i ever feel.  it creeps up out of no where and there is absolutely no way to control it once it shows up.  i just have to deal with and try to rationalize, which really, never works because the jealousy seems to like, fern gully its way right into my head.  

what am i talking about?

well.  in fact, its about paris (duh, you're thinking, of course this would be about paris.  what ISNT about paris these days?).  its pretty bad actually because the moment i hear that someone will be visiting, or someone is studying there, has moved there, lives there, loves there, i feel this immense pang of green envy toward that individual.  all i want to do is scream, "but IM supposed to be there.  but paris is MY town.  but I LOVE IT.  You can't love it, you can't have it.  It's mine and mine only." 

and while i clearly understand paris isnt mine to have, and i know that im being utterly ridiculous it always comes back up.  to the point where i dont even want paris to be mentioned to me anymore...unless its about me going there, in which case, lets talk about it all you want :)

the new visual culture

My dad brought me these awesome inks from india; basically, it's powder that i mix with water and i get this really saturated rich amazing color out of it.  i've been working on some stuff lately (without the paint) trying to get my ideas together to make something bigger and better combining all of my different ideas.  here are two ink drawings i worked on over the last week.  i really want to get better at my farsi calligraphy, which is hard since i dont know how to read or write in farsi, so basically i look off an already written text.  the first drawing, the text is actually in arabic, and the poem on the top, it's a poem by Mahmoud Darwish called, "Another Day Will Come."  He's awesome, and the book I have by him, "The Butterfly's Burden," is absolutely beautiful and filled with amazing poems.  One the left side, in english, and on the right, in arabic.  I wish so badly that I could read them in their original text.  one day, maybe.  the second one, it's a poem by Sohrab Sepehri that my mom wrote out for me.  It's a poem about two young lovers who go to an apple orchard one day and the boy picks and apple for the girl, but right as he does the owner of the orchard walks over and yells at him, causing the girl to drop her apple.  At the end of the poem, the narrator says that to this day, he wishes he had his own apple orchard so that the girl would not have had to drop the apple.  its so much more beautiful in farsi i wish i had memorized it...

in any case, just some ideas I've been working on...really, it started with some random doodles here and there and somehow even when i was doodling women in scarves always translated into my drawings.  because more and more i'm becoming more interested in women's rights and issues in iran and other middle eastern countries and it's something thats always in my head...so even without thinking about it consciously, it comes out in my sketches, and such.

i'm going to try to expand on certain things and what i really want is to get a large poster board and to magnify all of these things and THEN i'll paint them....these ones i really did without thinking about color, so it's really been hard for me to decide which colors i want for which parts.  hopefully i'll have a better idea when the time comes :)  stay tuned...

conversations with my nervous stomach

Go away nervous stomach.
No.
Please?
Never.
Why?
Because.
Please give me a reason.
No.
But you're driving me crazy.
Good.
But why can't you just stop.
Why should I?
Because I'm asking.
Not good enough.
Because I'm begging.
Still not good enough.
What should I do then?
Do you really think I'm giving you that answer?
I thought it was worth a try.
It wasn't.
You're right.  It just made me feel worse.
I'm glad.
You're a jerk.
I've been called worse.
Go away.
Sorry Charlie, you're stuck with me.


(sigh)

remember remember the first of November