the hedon

Today Raha and I were talking about the connectivity of pleasure and pain; how with one, comes the other.  Our conversation began when I mentioned I had been reading a new blog, "I Wrote This For You," and how reading it made my heart break a little bit more each time.  She asked me why I continued to read it if it made me feel like that, and I didn't have an answer.  Why do I wake up each morning and check that blog before all others to make sure that he has updated with his poetic words of romance and despair?  I'm not sure.
Raha said it was the same for her when she listened to some music.  Certain songs made her feel lighthearted, a little bit sadder, melancholy I think would be the right word to use in this context.  Yet, she continues to listen to these songs.  I do the same thing.  There are some nights when all I CAN listen to are songs that make me feel sad.  Why is this?
Does this mean I'm a masochist?  Do I enjoy pain?  Does it in turn bring me pleasure?  Maybe.  This may very well be the case.
As you can see, I have no clear answers to these questions.  I think our overall conclusion was that in the end, we prefer to feel pain rather than feel nothing.  I do not want to feel numb.  If I do not feel, then I have no reason to remain here.  What is left?
We live our lives hoping to be happy.  Maybe happiness does not actually exist.  Perhaps when one reaches a point where he is "happy," he has merely given up on trying to become HAPPIER.  Maybe we shouldn't strive for happiness, when really what we should be working toward are feelings of joy.  Pure, completely unabashed moments when everything looks a little bit brighter, you smile a little bit wider, you breath easier.
And maybe that's exactly why pain exists.  Maybe we put ourselves through feeling pain so that we can appreciate the pleasure that is granted to us.  We can't become gluttonous and hoard our pleasure, it must comes to us in small doses.
I never want to feel numb.  This is my life, why would I want to walk through my days without experiencing different sentiments.  This is all I have, my life.  And if feeling pain comes with being alive, then I will take that pain, because to feel pain will give me a heightened sense of pleasure.
And didn't you know that I am a hedon.  I am, you know.

May the best of your todays be the worst of your tomorrows.  Namaste.