For Yasna, forever ago.

dear yasna,

i hope that when you read this, you've woken up from a deep and restful slumber.  that you feel refreshed and happy, and ready to take on the new day.  i'm sorry that when you went to bed you weren't feeling great, and im sorry that i couldn't be there.

remember i tried making you laugh by telling you the little stories about paris?  sometimes when im upset its what i do to make myself feel better.  i tell myself stories of things that happened in paris, be they completely stupid and small.  they always make me feel better.

sometimes i go over in my head, the first day of class when we walked into madame amsellem's room and she was talking to you for some odd reason, and i thought, oh she must be a great student if madame amsellem is just talking to her in french like that.  and i was sort of scared to come and talk to you because i thought, shoot, her french is going to be at this intensely great level, and im going to stutter and sputter.  because engar na engar you were iranian, or spoke english or anything, whhaatttt?

and sometimes i think about when we went to all the asian grocery stores to buy a rice cooker because your aunt was coming into town and she would get so angry if you didn't have a rice cooker.  only, she only gave you 20 euros, so we couldn't buy one.  because randomly rice cookers are expensive?  and i didn't know anything about your family back then.  i didn't know that guilda probably wouldnt get so angry if you didnt buy a rice cooker.  to me, it was so important to find one.  remember thats when we decided to get the class together for a party?

and then there are days that i think about the halloween party.  how everyone was so timid, and charlotte freaked out about getting to my house so early.  except back then we hadnt come up with charlotte.  remember that night, by the way?  we were "paralyzed."  and at the halloween party i thought, this girl thinks she knows everything.  but i got really worried that i had offended you when you stomped outside to smoke your cigarette.

i even think about those days in november when i was cold and sick, and you would call me to ask me to go out, and i would say no its too cold.  until finally you would force me to come out with you guys, and even those nights i had fun.  with marrcooo and edward.  remember edward?
remember we used to pretend we were from adelaide and have long conversations walking from madame amsellem's class through jardin de luxembourg to phonetics about living in adelaide.  how our families were powerful.  and edward would just play along all the time.  because he was great.  remember that?

and of course, after christmas vacation the memories become more defined in my head.  the protest, holding that girls hand out of complete fear, you calming me down, telling me we werent going to die.

remember charlotte's birthday at social club?  when she fell down on the floor and yelled, "YOU GUYS ARE MY BEST FRIENDS!"

going to the moose for the first time with marion, arash, thom, thomas, charlotte, sarah, you and me.  arash rapping for us.  remember that corner we used to stand?  why away from everyone?  and you started rapping the "country rap" from that one cartoon?  the moose.  remember the moose, yasna?
"Why do ya'll always want to go to the moose?"  because we ALWAYS had fun there.

Thom's party.  You dancing with that guy in your orange jacket and the hat.  All of a sudden, I stop talking to Arash, look up, and see Yasna getting lifted up by this male model and thrown around.

Marion moving in.  Us living together.  Drinking the disgusting clementine margaritas that only you finished.  Blowing up the inflatable mattress.  Remember that night I gave you guys my keys, and went to the grocery store.  You guys had to beep me back into my apartment, and when I walked in, Marion was in the bathroom straightening her hair and putting on makeup, and you were ghashang ghashang sitting at the desk, eating a clementine?  watching pushing daisies with your legs on the desk.  I couldnt stop laughing, but internally I was at complete peace because I was so happy that you guys were there and that I had found a family.

When Marion moved out.  That was sort of sad, remember?  You, Char, me, going up the metro, down the metro, up the stairs, down the stairs, a million times.  Remember we didn't take line 14 so we had to make 8 million stops.  And finally we got there and Marion was so thankful that we had brought her all of the suitcases?  Only she didn't know Charlotte that well, yet...she was embarrassed.  Remember?

The Micho Doll, making it, writing down all of our ideas while we stood in front of Starbucks, waiting for the bus for 25 minutes.  And going home and finding those paper stacks and making the doll.  We were so proud of our handy work.  All that tape, all that paper.  And taking it into the metro.  I was so proud that we had made such nice art.  Taking it to the bridge.  Everyone else was so embarrassed.  Me playing the music, while you made the speech.  Drinking champagne at noon.  It wasnt real life, Yasna.  We lived a fantasy life, didn't we?

Walking to Cafe Parvis every single day.  Self service.  AGHA WE KNOW.  Remember the Iranian couple?  And we pretended to call my mom and you talked to her in Farsi just to get a reaction.  Only how embarrassing was it when my mom actually called?  And then you would walk me to yoga, go to my house, wait for me to come home, and then we'd go out with everyone.  That was so nice of you to walk me there everyday.  Especially when you didn't even have school yourself.  Remember how wonderful it was when you didn't have to go to work anymore?  Cus then we didn't have to separate at 3 in the afternoon, even though you started working at 5...it will always be a mystery to me why you had to leave so early those days.

Those weeks leading up to when you left.  Getting strep throat (not as bad as yours in Roskilde, but still, pretty bad.  I sort of wish you would have looked down my throat to see if it was like yours, but whatever, next time, right?).  Your "suprise" party.  Too bad the Danish girl totally gave it away.  "I'm going to try to come to your party?"
"My party?"
"shhhhhhhh..."
"What?"
"Welll, it was sort of supposed to be a surprise."

I don't want to get into when you left.  That was hard.  I'll keep it at the good stuff, the light stuff.  Us rolling the suitcases down the metro, Sara was having so much fun.  Remember?  "You're not my best friend in Paris, you're my best friend in the world."

Remember all of that Yasna?  Paris?  Sometimes I think, Ranna you think about it too much, let it go.  But then when think that, I get scared that one of the memories I have might disappear, so I relive it in my head, over and over.  It's like this amazing story that I want to remember to tell my kids.  It was so surreal and amazing that I can't believe that it actually happened.  But I'm really glad it did, because sometimes, when you're upset, I can whip these stories out in hopes that they may make you feel better.

So....cafe parvis, tomorrow?  Come get me from class, we'll walk down together.  Down Saint Michel, over the Seine, past that weird golden statue I never figured out, past the place you bought your cigarette, through the street you always questioned, "are you sure we're going the right way?"  and across from the Centre Pompidou.

I love you.

Ranna