It seems I am a closet introvert. Sometimes, at first glance, I fail to recognize this about myself. I have certain and speficic qualities that may label me as an extrovert, but at the same time, being around people drives me crazy. I would much rather spend an afternoon in my room drawing or reading that spend time surrounded by too many people. I enjoy spending time with friends, sure, but one or two at the same time, not a whole crowd. Even then, I yearn for some alone time.
I've been thinking about this a lot recently. I spend a lot of time alone these days, especially at school. Personally, I don't mind. I get work done, I think, I get to observe people without someone telling me to stop staring ("stop staring, ranna, it's embarrassing, they'll know!" who cares?)
But then I wonder if I'm isolating myself.
Since school started I've felt alienated in most of my classes. I feel like Im sitting apart from most of the other students, observing them. I wonder how they can live their lives consumed by societies banal conditions. They seem so at peace going from class to class, listening to the professors, taking down notes of the lectures, and spewing the information out right after .
I sit there, silently, and I listen.
I wonder if I'm doing it to myself. Do I need to let go and see the world as they do? They seem ever so much happier. Maybe if I wasn't so critical on the definition of "happiness" I would lead a happier life. Ignorance is bliss, of course. Or so they say..
But then I would just be lying to myself.
Behaving like the others scares me. I would rather be alone, doing my own thing, independent from every one else, than surrounded by other people, pretending that I care about who is dating whom, an what she wore Saturday night.
Maybe that's why I'm manually isolating myself. Because if I don't I'll be dragged into this brutal cage. They'll crawl and bite me and bind me down and tell me to listen to them. THIS IS HOW YOU LIVE.
No. No thank you. I'd rather stay clear of that cage. I'd prefer to remain scar free. I'd rather be safe than sorry. Because didn't you know? I keloid easily.
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