I've been wanting to write, I really have, I promise. I get on the computer and try to come up with something to say and my mind is a blank. Which is ironic because pretty much the other 23 hours 55 minutes that I don't try to write, my mind is going a mile a minute.
It doesn't stop. It just goes on and on and on like the energizer bunny, until I literally beg myself to stop thinking just for a second. Just for a millisecond I wish all of the internal noise would just shut off so that I would be able to sleep the night through without waking up in panic.
Why do I do this to myself is the real question? Why do I freak myself out and make myself sick. I've become the most anxious and neurotic person in the span of a year. I remember when I started college, I was proud that I could remain carefree and relaxed despite the situation. Nothing was a big deal. Happy go lucky. Now, everything is a big deal. The more I try to run from everything and push things away the more I get stuck underneath it. And I've been pushed deeper and deeper down down down down down. I'm becoming fossilized.
Quite literally the only time that I was able to stop thinking for a little while was the other day when I detangled rolls of yarn all morning and afternoon. I just sat there, detangling yarn and rerolling them into balls. And when I was finished, I was sad that there wasn't more. So that I could focus on detangling yarn instead of untangling my life.
I want to be able to sleep until noon and wake up feeling refreshed and rejuvenated, without having woken up 8 million trillion times during the night thinking thinking thinking. ALWAYS thinking. Nonstop.
I wish I could be that carefree person once again.
I wish my face would stop breaking out.
I wish I could look people in the eyes when they talk to me and ask how I'm doing.
I wish that I didn't wish these things and instead I wished for more important things that actually helped other people instead of myself.
Then again, I wish so many things. In fact, I would basically be like Jafar from Aladdin and make the genie just grant a million wishes for me instead of just having three. Then again, did Jafar have unlimited wishes? I don't remember. In any case.
In any case, that's why I haven't written. If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all. I'm just negative nancy. A debbie downer. moaning myrtle.
I am moaning myrtle.
I'm an insomniac too...It might sound like a cliche, but what I found out helps is to keep a pad and pencil next to bed, and when I start worrying about something, I write down the task/subject on the paper and say I will deal with it during the day. It makes me stop thinking about it as I lay in bed. And then during the day, you have a list of what you need to do. And putting a line through each thing you wrote down as you address it in the day feels so good....I think our minds race as night because we are afraid we will forget what we are thinking about, so write it down.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you should have some kind of ongoing project, something peaceful in the way untangling yarn is peaceful. One time I watched this dumb Nicholas Sparks movie, and the woman--as she's reestablishing her life--starts making a handmade box out of driftwood. Maybe you should go to a home improvement store and buy some wood and some hinges and make a box, or a chair, or anything. Or do something with glass jars or bottles that you were going to recycle. Anything that works your hands and doesn't work your thoughts.
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